Overheard
by madcrafter72
Summary: Kate overhears something that changes everything. Post The Limey. Written for Castle Fanfic Monday. Cover art by the delightful Angie @dtrekker. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters; I just like to put them into difficult situations sometimes._

 **Overheard**

Fun and uncomplicated. Those two words had been pounding through Kate's head since Castle threw them at her two nights ago. They were two things she would never be – maybe before her mother was murdered, she may have been those things, but certainly not for the last 12 years, and judging by the fact she was still in therapy, not any time soon. Every waking moment, when she couldn't distract herself with murders or even paperwork for the D.A., she would relive that moment when her broken heart shattered into a million pieces as Castle spat those words at her and turned his back.

Her buzzing phone brought her back to the present, and she noted the bullpen was almost empty. No surprise, it was after 6pm. The reminder on her phone was for an appointment she really didn't want to keep, but it was part of her therapy, her recovery, so she gathered her things, put on her coat and headed out. As she waited for the elevator, she pulled her Beckett armour around her, and by the time she reached the street to hail a cab she was wearing her legendary poker face.

Dr Carter Burke had spent long months working with Kate, helping her to recover from her shooting, from PTSD, and from walling herself off from anything that could cause her more pain. One of the things she still had trouble with was recognising that bad things happened to everybody, and it was OK to ask for and accept help. Kate didn't have to do everything on her own, but the habits of a decade were hard to break. Dr Burke's wife, Yolanda, ran a Crisis Call Centre and Dr Burke thought it may help for Kate to listen in on some of the calls, to appreciate that reaching out was not a weakness. She had been twice before, and both times sat with Yolanda, so there were less explanations required. This would be her third and possibly last time, as Kate really didn't believe it was beneficial to listen to stranger's problems.

She was buzzed into the office and left her bag and coat in the locker room, and was met by Yolanda who smiled at her and asked about her day. Yolanda's voice was a softer version of her husband's, but just as smooth and relaxing, and she gave off such a motherly vibe that Kate felt a pang for her own mother, and surreptitiously wiped a tear from her eye as they sat down. Kate donned the training headset, which didn't have a microphone, and watched as Yolanda make herself comfortable and logged into the phone system. It seemed to be a quiet night, as there was no call waiting, so Kate took the opportunity to ask Yolanda about how she got involved with crisis counselling in the first place.

Yolanda was a great story teller (don't think about him, Kate) and they were in the middle of a particular funny story involving a family holiday, when their headsets beeped with an incoming call. Yolanda's face was instantly transformed to quiet attention, and she turned towards her computer screen.

"My name is Yolanda, how can I help you tonight?"

"I … I just need to speak to someone. Someone who doesn't know me." The voice was male, hesitant, and clogged up. Kate thought he sounded like he had been crying. There was something familiar, but she couldn't place it, and when Yolanda spoke again, she lost the trail.

"Of course, you can speak to me about anything. What can I call you?" Kate noted she didn't ask for a name, obviously the person wanted to remain anonymous, based on their last comment.

"R- Alex. You can call me Alex." The man spoke again, but it was still halting, cautious. Kate's brain was ringing alarm bells she was currently ignoring in favour of listening intently to the call.

"OK Alex, what do you want to talk about? I can listen, or I can ask you questions, which would you prefer?" Yolanda's voice was still calm, but now she was putting inflections onto the end of her sentences, to encourage her caller to speak. Kate wondered how many of these calls Yolanda had taken.

"I …. Um…. I have been having some dark thoughts." Kate's breath caught, because the voice was more than familiar, although what he was saying was the last thing she would have expected.

"Dark thoughts like self-harm, Alex? Have you been thinking about suicide?" There was no judgement in her voice, just gentle comfort, and Alex continued.

"Yes. A few days ago, my world came crashing down around me, and I don't think I can continue living in this world. If it weren't for my family, I don't know what I could have done already."

"It's good that you have family that you obviously love, Alex, have you tried talking to them about this?"

"No, I haven't. Not really. My mother knows what is going on, but her advice is to just move on. I can't bear to tell my daughter, she…. She doesn't need to know. I have to protect her, as much as I can. I just ….. I need to know how I can move on, pretend everything is still all right."

"I can understand wanting to protect your children, especially if they are young. You didn't mention a partner. Did this thing that happened affect them?"

"No. Well, not really.(sob) I don't actually have a partner, although I thought we were close to something. (sob). That's the trouble. I found out that the person I wanted as my partner, the .. (sniff) love of my life…. Doesn't feel the same way. Probably never felt the same way, but didn't know how to tell me they didn't want any more than just a friendship." There were no more words for a little while, just sniffing like he was trying to hold back his tears again.

Yolanda glanced at Kate, sensing there was something going on with her, but all she saw was Kate staring straight ahead. Kate was in fact lost in her own mind, trying to convince herself that the man on the other end of this call was _not_ Richard Castle. Everything he had said so far made sense, and his voice was unmistakable to her. She had heard him speak softly, loudly, in pain and anger, she had heard him whisper his love to her in a cemetery, she had heard him laugh at a funny movie, she had heard the joy in his voice when they caught a weird case, she had heard despair in his voice when he thought they were going to die in a freezer. She _knew_ that voice. But the content, the words he was saying, didn't make sense to her. Richard Castle was not someone who would even consider suicide, he had such a great life, a great family and friends, and he had so much to live for.

Yolanda was speaking again when Kate came out of her zone.

"Alex, what happened two days ago? Can you describe it for me? Take your time"

"I .. I work with the woman I love, I get to follow her every day. It's how we met, she …ah, she had to ask me some questions for her job. I was watching her question someone, and she didn't know I was there. She confessed to him that she remembered a … a traumatic experience we had together, when I told her I loved her. She had been hurt, and she was losing consciousness, but I told her. I thought it was the last chance I would have. When I asked her about it later, she said she didn't remember anything from that day, that … some things were better not remembered. Obviously she was embarrassed about my feelings for her, but didn't know how to let me down gently, how to tell me she didn't feel the same. She … I … the work we do is very important, and I love what we do, but I don't think I can face her again." By now he was openly sobbing, and Yolanda gave him a few moments to calm down.

Kate was torn between butting into the conversation, telling him he had it all wrong, and running to the bathroom to throw up the contents of her stomach then running out the door and continuing to run as far as she could get. It was her fault that he was having these thoughts, her fault he had considered suicide, her fault that this good man didn't think he could face her, or the precinct again. Yolanda was speaking again.

"Alex, I can understand that you are upset right now, that you feel betrayed by this woman. But your daughter needs you, and your feelings will ease, things will get better. It all just takes time."

"I don't know. Last time I felt like this, it only took a few days. I went out, I drank, I picked up women, and I partied. This time, I … nothing seems to work, I am not interested in other women, even touching or kissing them revolts me, I feel like I am cheating on her, even though we were never together. And I can't go back to that behaviour because my daughter will notice, and I think I have done enough crazy things in my life for her to be ashamed of.

"My daughter .. I raised her almost by myself, her mother was never around enough. That is one relationship I am proud of. She, uh, she knows this woman, and after that traumatic experience she didn't think much of her, but she seems to have softened towards her of late, and I .. well I had hopes they could be good friends. I fear that my daughter won't forgive her for this, even though it's not really K…. the woman's fault. She didn't ask for me to follow her, she didn't ask for me to fall in love with her, in fact I think I put her in danger by looking into something she asked me not to."

"Alex, you should be proud of raising a daughter by yourself. And this woman, it sounds like you just need a little time away, to gather your bearings, to remind yourself what is important to you. It's OK to look after yourself, to do the things you need to bring your life back into balance. Talk to your daughter once you are back in control, and you can use this as a lesson in unrequited love, and placing expectations on other people, when we can't control their reactions. You can call us any time, just to talk, or to ask questions. You might also consider speaking to someone in person;" For the first time, Alex cut Yolanda off in the conversation, with what could almost be classed as a chuckle.

"No, I don't do therapy well. I just needed to talk to someone who would listen without judging. My mother and my daughter only want the best for me, but they don't know the whole story, and despite what's happened, this woman does not deserve their anger. She has had enough tragedy in her life, and I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me."

Alex's voice was almost back to normal now; he had stopped sobbing, and seemed to have come to terms with the situation. Yolanda was more comfortable that he would not take action on his dark thoughts, so she prepared to end the call.

"Great, Alex, as I said, we are here whenever you want to talk, and I do hope things work out for you. Good night."

"Thank you Yolanda." Then he cut the call.

 _TBC_

 _A/N: this was supposed to be my entry for the summer Castle ficathon, but Reparer exploded and I never got a chance to post this for that event. In part, this is inspired by RedGrayBall's story Down, which I am hoping he will finish soon. Please let me know what you think._


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters; I just like to put them into difficult situations sometimes._

 **Overheard**

 **Chapter 2**

Kate ripped the headset off and ran to the bathroom, because she could no longer control the roiling of her stomach. She brought up everything she had eaten all day, which admittedly wasn't much, with Castle not there to make sure she looked after herself. Then she splashed water on her face, rinsed her mouth out, and prepared herself to face Yolanda again. She didn't know how much Dr Burke had shared with his wife about their sessions, how the main topic of most of them lately had been Richard Castle, but she could see in Yolanda's eyes that she understood what Kate had heard had affected her greatly. Yolanda took Kate in her arms and gave her a hug, one like she hadn't received since her mother was alive, then wished her a good night, with a wish for feeling better soon.

Kate caught a cab to her apartment, and locked herself in for a long night. Not of sleep, for she knew that was not to come, but of thinking, and of course recriminations. She still found it hard to accept that Richard Castle - the eternal man-child, the nine year old on a sugar rush - would be so upset with the thought that she did not love him, that she had lied to him, that he would consider suicide. She knew that he loved her, she did in fact remember every second of that fateful day, and his words had been the only thing keeping her hanging on for months while she fought to make herself whole enough to deserve him. She still didn't think she was there, that she could give him everything he deserved, but it seemed like she had run out of time. She had to act now, or she would lose him forever. And that was a result she would not entertain.

She reviewed the last few days, and finally realised that Castle must have been behind the glass when she was interrogating Bobby Lopez, and he heard her say she was shot in the chest and remembered every second of it. At the time, she was just trying to get Bobby to identify what had happened in the Plaza, and let him know his claims of trauma amnesia were bogus. The words had just come out, unfiltered in her frustration with the case that seemed to be going nowhere. She did wonder why there was fresh coffee on her desk, but Esposito told her Castle had to be somewhere, and knowing that Alexis was working in the morgue with Lanie and traumatised by the case, she thought nothing further on it. Now, she understood that his first reaction to being betrayed was to run, get away from her. He had come back later that day, but he had already shut down his emotions, his poker face in place. When she invited him to drinks he declined for the first time in their partnership, which should have rung warning bells in her mind, except she thought he wanted to go and comfort Alexis, and she would never get in the way of that.

The next time she saw him was in the hotel carpark for Naomi's murder, and he showed up fresh off the plane from Vegas with _Jacinda_. Now she knew that was just his way of trying to get over her, and although it seemed over the next few days that he was enjoying his lunch dates with the flight attendant, Kate now knew that he was miserable and just pretending to be happy, staying away from her as much as possible. Even the words he threw at her when she questioned how much time he was spending with the flight attendant, 'fun and uncomplicated', were only designed to hurt her, like he was hurting. That was the only time he knowingly tried to hurt her, the good man inside not allowing him to do anything more. It was good to know he had not replaced her with the blonde, but god it hurt to think he was trying to replace her. All because she was a coward and couldn't tell him she heard his words, wouldn't commit to a relationship until she could say those words back to him. But she had not said those words to any of her prior boyfriends, not even to Will, and they were living together and he expected her to move to Boston with him.

So she didn't need to say the words back to Castle on day one of their romantic relationship, she could certainly show him how she felt, but she needed to take the step to turn their partnership into that romantic relationship. And before that, she needed to convince Castle that she did feel the same way; that she hadn't been embarrassed by his deathbed declaration and his life was definitely worth living. But how was she going to do that, when he wouldn't come to the precinct of his own accord? It sounded like Martha knew what she had confessed to a suspect, but he hadn't told Alexis. So maybe she could call Alexis, see how the girl was after the last case, and subtly determine where she could find her father. This could only be done in person, preferably somewhere they would not be interrupted.

When Kate looked at the clock, she realised it was way too late to call anyone, so she resolved to call Alexis tomorrow, or maybe even drop into the morgue and speak to her there. And maybe a call to Lanie would be good too, to talk out her thoughts and maybe get some more ideas. She crawled under the covers clutching Heat Wave to her chest, brushing her fingers gently over his face on the back cover, and rehearsing her lines in her head. She was going to fix this, he deserved happiness and to know he was loved.

 _TBC_

 _A/N: Wow! I am totally blown away by the response to this story. Over 30 reviews and over 100 follows and favourites. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your support of this little story._

 _This is a shorter chapter, but I wanted to reassure you that Kate did have a strong reaction to hearing Castle's suicidal thoughts, but we all know she is a very private person who does not often betray her internal feelings and struggles. I hope that put some people's minds at rest. There will also be at least a chapter from Castle's POV, because I don't actually believe this is totally out of the realm of possibility for his character._


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters; they belong to the genius of AWM and that other three letter network I really don't like._

 **Overheard**

 **Chapter 3**

Kate was awake before the sun the next morning, having only managed a few hours of restless sleep. In most cases, when she had a big decision to make, she would mull over it for a long time, reviewing her options, putting the topic aside and coming back to it again and again until she was sure it was the right decision. She would also run and hide until she had made her decision and was ready to face the world again. She had run this time, but she recognised she had no time left to dither about her decision. Castle had been entertaining suicidal thoughts, and god knows what may have happened if he didn't have Alexis to consider. She may have already lost him. That thought had her jumping out of bed, straight into the shower and rushing through her morning routine, determined to put her plan into action immediately.

She arrived at the precinct before anyone else on the day shift, but was pleased to see that Captain Gates was already in her office, probably preparing for a meeting at 1PP. Kate again reminded herself that while promotion and career progression was high on her priorities list, she didn't want to become a precinct captain and get buried in paperwork. She boldly walked up to the office door and knocked, waiting for Gates' permission before walking in and closing the door.

"You're in early, Detective Beckett, even for you. Is there something wrong?" Gates asked, with her usual raised eyebrow.

"Yes, Sir. I needed to speak to you as soon as possible. I need to take a few days leave, starting immediately." Kate was not willing to give Gates any more information unless she really had to.

Gates looked at her, and removed her glasses, placing them down on the desk before she indicated that Kate should sit. When she did, Gates looked at her for a long while again, before speaking.

"Does this have anything to do with that erstwhile partner of yours?"

Kate was taken aback at how perceptive Gates seemed to be, but she was not about to discuss her personal life.

"I'd rather not say, Sir. I have the completed documentation here."

Gates just looked at her again, then reached her hand out for the forms. After reviewing them, she signed in the three places required, but did not hand them back straight away.

"Detective Beckett, you may think I don't like Mr. Castle, and I am certainly not a fan of his more outlandish efforts. But I have noticed something off about your partnership the last few days, so if there is anything you can do to bring it back into balance, you have my support. I don't want to see you here until next Monday."

"Thank you, Sir." Kate nodded at Gates, then walked out, collecting her bag and coat from her desk before leaving via the stairway, not wanting to bump into any of her colleagues. She was pleasantly surprised by her Captain's reaction to her leave request, but she wouldn't waste any more time on it until she returned to work, hopefully with her partner in tow. One task down, she moved onto the next on her mental list.

She drove to the morgue to speak with Alexis, and set up drinks with Lanie. When she walked in, Lanie had her arms buried to the elbows in a new corpse, and Alexis was nowhere to be seen. She nodded at her friend and walked over to her desk, settled down to wait until Lanie was finished to speak to her friend.

It was 20 minutes later when Lanie sealed up the body and cleaned her hands. She walked over observing Kate closely, seeing the changes the last week had made in her friend, just when she thought Kate was finally looking happier and healthier.

"Ok, what's up girl?" Lanie asked, pulling the rolling stool over to her desk next to Kate.

"Ah, nothing, Lanie, I wanted to speak to Alexis" Immediately Lanie could tell that Kate was deflecting, and she wasn't going to allow it today.

"Nah uh, Kate, that's not nothing. You still look like someone kicked your dog, and I think Alexis is the wrong Castle you need to be talking to."

"Yes, I know, Lanie, but ….I, ah, can we catch up for drinks tomorrow night? I do want to talk to you, but first I need to talk to Alexis."

"Well, she's not here, sweetie, she hasn't been back since the bombing case. She rang me last night and said her Dad was not comfortable with her being around so much death, and she would not be finishing her internship. She sounded pretty cut up about it, but I could hear relief in her voice as well. She really is too young to see the dark side of this city in such close proximity."

"Oh." Kate breathed the word, and her face fell. If she couldn't speak to Alexis, how was she supposed to find Castle so she could talk to him?

"Kate? Kate, what's going on?" She must have zoned out because she suddenly realised that Lanie was shaking her arm trying to get her attention. She stood up, deciding this was not the place, and she had to rethink her plans.

"Not here, Lanie. Come over tomorrow, we can talk then. I have to get going." Kate had her Beckett armour on again, and Lanie knew she would get nothing further now.

"OK, I'll be there. And then you are going to tell me everything, girlfriend!" Lanie called as Kate walked out through the swinging doors, waving distractedly. She was thinking maybe she could call Alexis anyway, check up on the girl, and somehow lead the conversation around to her dad. She even dialled her number, but then thought better of it. Driving through Manhattan traffic required all her concentration, but so did this conversation, so she had better give both those things her full attention.

Once Kate was back inside her apartment again, she knew she couldn't put it off any longer. She sat on her bed as she stared at her phone, Alexis' contact details up on the screen. She took a last deep breath, then dialled, hoping she could start to win Castle back with Alexis' help.

The phone rang quite a few times before it was answered, and Kate was starting to think Alexis was ignoring her, when the girl answered, but her tone of voice was not at all welcoming.

"Detective Beckett?" the girl asked, the tone of surprise almost concealing the chill.

"Hi Alexis, is this a bad time?" Kate asked. She figured if Castle was around he would already know who his daughter was talking to, and perhaps she could redirect the conversation to another time if that was the case.

"Um, no, I'm just out shopping." Alexis was not forthcoming with anything else, and Kate remembered that other times when she had called, Alexis always asked if something was wrong with her Dad. Obviously she knew that Castle hadn't been to the precinct lately, so Kate wondered how much she had been told, or been able to guess.

"Listen, Alexis, I think your Dad and I had a misunderstanding and I want to-" Kate didn't get any further before the girl cut her off.

"Is that what you call it? It didn't sound like that from his side. Of course he's been keeping me away from anything to do with the precinct lately, but I can see that something has hurt him really badly. And again, it has something to do with you. Don't you think you have hurt him enough? Maybe you should just leave him be, Detective." Alexis didn't give her a chance to reply, but hung up.

 _TBC_

 _A/N: Yup, that went well. Sorry, couldn't resist quoting a little Firefly there_ _who can tell me which episode that is from?_

 _I continue to be pleasantly surprised and humbled by your response to my story, as it's now my 4_ _th_ _most reviewed story by a considerable margin, and I can only hope that you continue to enjoy it and share your thoughts with me. Next up, I will share a little of Castle's POV._


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters; they belong to the genius of AWM and that other three letter network I really don't like._

 **Overheard**

 **Chapter 4**

 _14 hours earlier_.

Richard Castle sat in his study, blinds drawn and lights off, nursing a double whiskey. He had been this way for over an hour, since Alexis had come in before heading to Paige's for a study session and sleep over. His mother had popped her head in to frown at him just after that, before heading out herself for a date. Martha's disapproving frown had turned to an expression of deep worry after she turned away, because she could see just how deep in a funk her son was, but she also knew him enough not to press at the moment, so she left, determined that at least one member of the family should have fun tonight. Time for more unsolicited advice tomorrow.

Ever the wordsmith, Rick was trying to categorise his feelings, in the hope that by putting labels on them, he could relegate them to the back of his mind. He felt sad, he felt used, and he felt heartbroken. But most of all, he felt tired. Tired of being alone, of not having someone to share his life with, to give all his boundless love to. Two failed marriages should have taught him that this fairy tale of true love forever was not his for the having, but like a child - a nine year old on a sugar rush - he continued to believe. Kate - no, he would not think of her as Kate - Beckett had changed him, made him into a better man, because he believed that is what she deserved, and yet, she had led him on, allowing him to misread her flirting and innuendo, letting him think she wanted anything other than his friendship. He had never suspected she could be so cruel, but maybe she was just like all the other women he had encountered since he became famous, using him for those things he could provide. It wasn't money or fame for her, and maybe that is why he fell so quickly, because she was different, but in the end, she didn't want him either.

Rick reviewed the past year, after his ill-timed confession, and realised that Beckett had been trying to let him down gently, tell him she was only interested in his friendship, but he wouldn't listen. She sent him away at the hospital, disappeared for 3 months no doubt hoping he would get over her and move on, and even when she came back, she kept him at arm's length, not allowing him close enough to see her vulnerable, refusing to label their many meals at Remy's and movie nights at the loft as dates. That case where they met the sexy insurance investigator, Serenade Kaye, she even encouraged him to pursue the woman. Perhaps it wasn't jealousy he had seen in her eyes when Beckett caught them kissing in the hallway outside Serena's hotel suite, just shock at how close to the room they were. In hindsight, he could explain away all the little moments he thought meant they were moving towards something together, as just being wishful thinking and projection on his part.

Rick had invested so much of himself in the last four years that he didn't have any more to give. Alexis was graduating high school soon, starting her own life journey, and his mother was all kinds of independent. Neither of them actually needed him, and he had made good provision for both of them so they would be well looked after if anything ever happened to him. He had made sure of that when he started shadowing Beckett, and now those preparations seemed like a sign to him. He could move on, put an end to this debilitating pain in his heart and his mind, knowing that his favourite redheads would be okay. Sure they would mourn, but they had each other, and he knew they also had the support of the team at the 12th. Beckett may not love him, or want him to love her, but she would care for his family, he was sure of it.

Rick refilled his whiskey tumbler, and contemplated his options. It would be great if he could talk to someone about all this, but there was no one he could tell. He didn't have a best friend other than Beckett, and he really couldn't talk to her right now. She had tried to speak to him, the last time he was at the precinct, but he had blown her off with some flippant comment about fun and uncomplicated before leaving there as quickly as he could, and retreating to his loft to sulk. Jacinda wasn't double parked, but it was a convenient excuse, as he couldn't bear to look at Kate for one more minute without breaking down and begging her to love him, something his remaining self-respect would never allow him to do. She had already ripped much of that to pieces, he wouldn't give her any more opportunities, intentional or not.

Just thinking of her as Kate brought the tears to his eyes again, and this time he couldn't control the sobs. While he was angry, he could blame her for lying to him, and that fury kept his other emotions in check, but then he would recognise that she was really not responsible for his feelings toward her, and the sorrow and despair blew the anger away like it had never been.

He really needed to speak to someone, a stranger who didn't know him and wouldn't judge, but perhaps had some experience with these sorts of emotions. He recalled a late night ad for a help line, and picked up his phone.

XXXXXXXX

 _12 hours earlier_

Rick stared at his phone after he hung up with Yolanda, feeling a little better about the situation. She had a soothing voice, so well suited to counselling, and for a moment he wished he could have met with her in person, laid his heart bare and asked for her advice. But that was not something Richard Castle was able to do, and poor Ricky Rogers was left with phone help only. At least his voice wasn't easily recognisable, so his slip up before he offered Alex as his name would not lead to Page Six speculation. The last thing he needed right now was for either his mother or daughter to think he was suicidal, they would never let him out of their sight and he would suffocate from their attention.

Yolanda had helped put his situation into perspective. It wasn't life ending that Beckett didn't love him, or that she had lied to him. Yes, she broke his heart, worse than anyone else before her, including Kyra, and it would take a long time before he trusted anyone with it again - if ever - but he had his daughters unconditional love, and his mother's support, and he would endure. The first piece of advice he would act on, was to separate himself from Beckett, and all those things that reminded him of her and the might-have-beens he had created in his mind. Perhaps with time, he may be able to return to a friendship with her, but right now it was time to look after himself, and recover that happy playful side of him that had shattered on the floor of the observation room, along with his heart. He swallowed the remaining alcohol in his glass, then crawled into bed, curling up in the nest of sheets he had left that morning. He allowed himself to mourn the fact that likely he would be alone in this bed for the rest of his life, and watered his pillow awake and asleep all night.

 _TBC_

 _A/N: Thanks for all the follows and reviews to this story, I am truly humbled by your support. This chapter gives us Castle's perspective, and also clears up the question of timing. This whole story will take place in a very short time frame, although it's taking me much longer to write it. Next you will see Kate's reaction to the phone call with Alexis, and the harsh wake-up call that she needs to act._


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: nope, definitely dont own them._

 _A/N: the first version of this chapter was chewed up and spat out - as it should have been. Version two has been reviewed by a competent, non-medicated adult and a fantastic writer. Huge thanks to G, I continue to be in awe of your talent. Let's try this chapter again, shall we?_

 **Overheard**

 **Chapter 5**

" _Listen, Alexis, I think your Dad and I had a misunderstanding and I want to-" Kate didn't get any further before the girl cut her off._

" _Is that what you call it? It didn't sound like that from his side. Of course he's been keeping me away from anything to do with the precinct lately, but I can see that something has hurt him really badly. And again, it has something to do with you. Don't you think you have hurt him enough? Maybe you should just leave him be, Detective." Alexis didn't give her a chance to reply, but hung up._

Kate was at first shocked by Alexis' words, but then acknowledged to herself that it was well deserved. She had hurt the girl's dad multiple times, especially with running away after her shooting and not calling for 3 months, something he himself had confirmed last night had caused anger in his daughter that was only now starting to ease. Or was, until her latest efforts.

Kate was temporarily at a loss. Castle wouldn't talk to her, in fact had actively rebuffed her efforts to talk to him over the last two days, and now Alexis was obviously upset and not willing to help either. She couldn't go to Martha, because her advice to Castle had been to move on, and so she was unlikely to help Kate at all, possibly not even give her the time of day, much like her son. Before she could come up with another plan, her phone rang.

"Beckett." She answered in her usual tone, because the number was not one she immediately recognised. She wasn't on call, so it shouldn't be dispatch, and it obviously wasn't Castle, so she was not too keen on talking to anyone else.

"Hello? Kate, is that you?" Yolanda's voice questioned, and immediately Kate softened.

"Yes, hello, Yolanda, sorry I thought it may be a work call. Is everything OK?" She had not actually received a call from Yolanda before, so she was curious.

"I just wanted to make sure you were OK, Kate, after last night. You seemed very affected by that phone call you heard."

"Yes, I …ah….um" Kate wasn't sure if she should mention Castle to Yolanda, and what she suspected.

"Kate, it's OK to be impacted by what you hear, that was part of the reason Carter wanted you to sit with me, so you would accept that many people have issues that they seek help for. It's not a failure, or a weakness. That man had obviously been in pain, and needed to talk to someone, without being judged or ridiculed. He is a bit like you in that respect, not willing to reveal his true self. But sometimes we do need someone else to lean on, and he reached out to us." Yolanda stopped talking, because she sensed that Kate was not fully focused on the conversation.

"I know him." Kate said, not sure why that particular fact was what her brain chose to share.

"Alex? The man who called last night?" Yolanda asked, not sure if Kate was talking to her, or just thinking out loud.

"Yes. His name isn't Alex, though…"

"That was you he was talking about, wasn't it? When you were shot, right? Oh my God, Kate."

It was almost like Kate had been slapped. She was sitting up straight, a look of pure horror on her face. Since she overheard the conversation Castle had with Yolanda last night, she had been telling herself that while he was obviously upset, he couldn't possibly be suicidal, not her 9 year old on a sugar rush! She wanted to see him, and talk to him, explain that what he thought about her feelings was not correct, and set things right, but she didn't't know how she could get through to him, or what to do once she could, other than taking a few days leave so she could take whatever time it required. Now, with Yolanda's words and her tone of voice, she suddenly realised that this was real, and it was urgent. She had to do something now, otherwise she might well lose Castle forever. And if that happened, she would never forgive herself. If she caused him to take his own life, her life would also end. Oh, God.

"Kate! Kate! Have you seen him since then?"

"No, I haven't seen him, he, uh, he…" Kate wasn't sure how to continue, and blurted out "he won't see me. I tried to talk to him, and he won't talk to me and his family won't help me talk to him and I don't know how to reach him."

"Kate, have you tried to go and find him, and see him, make sure he is OK? Why didn't you say something last night?"

"Because he doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. I tried and he just walked away."

"Kate, you can't judge people by what you see of them in a public setting. He was obviously upset, and had been crying when he called us. Even if he sounded better when the call finished, you don't know how he would feel if you went to talk to him privately." There was a pause.

"It's a risk, Kate, but it's one you might have to take to make sure he is OK. I don't know how you will explain having overheard his conversation last night, though."

"Thanks, Yolanda, I'm on my way now." She hung up without any further words, slipped her phone in her pocket, grabbed her jacket and shoved her feet into shoes, running out the door as quickly as she could, only grabbing her keys and wallet. She flagged the first cab she saw on the street, and offered extra for a quick ride to Broome Street.

 _TBC_


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters; they belong to the genius of AWM and that other three letter network I really don't like._

 **Overheard**

 **Chapter 6**

Kate considered stopping at the little café half a block down for coffee for both of them, but didn't want to waste any more time. She jumped out of the cab, throwing a fifty at the driver, but then took a breath and slowed her steps as she opened his building foyer door. She smiled at Eduardo, but didn't take time for a chat, going straight for the lift. Once at his door, she hesitated a moment, then took a deep breath before she knocked on the door.

There was a delay, but then she heard slow footsteps approaching, and she prepared herself to face Castle again after almost a week without him. He obviously checked in the peep hole, because there was another delay before the door was opened just a crack, with his face and chest blocking all access into the loft. She stifled the sigh of relief at seeing him breathing and whole, but that was just the start of what she wanted to achieve here.

"What do you want, Beckett, I am busy." It was the first time he had spoken to her since he left her at the precinct after Naomi's case, and his face was just as closed off and cold as it had been the last time she had tried to speak to him. But this time, she knew what was really going on, and she wasn't going to give in.

"Can I come in? I hoped we could talk." Kate said, this part of the conversation having been planned out in her head already. Castle held back a snort at her comment about talking, but didn't move.

"I'm really busy right now, Beckett, I am behind in the book and Gina is on my back, so I don't have time." His tone of voice said the conversation was over, and he started closing the door. Kate put her hand out, reaching towards him but then decided to place it on the door instead.

"Well, OK, how about later this afternoon, or tonight then?" She asked.

"I have a date." He said this with a totally straight face, and again moved to close the door. This time, she put her foot in the way, determined to confirm a time to come back.

"OK, well, what about tomorrow? Let me know a good time and I will come back. Or you could come to my place?" Rick couldn't control the eyebrow raise at this offer, but he controlled his expression quickly and again shook his head.

"I am heading off on a book tour, Paula has been at me for a while, and I need to keep on her good side. Maybe I will call when I get back." Kate could tell from his expression he had no intention of doing so. She could feel the ending of this conversation, and all hope for fixing her lie was disappearing as well, so she pushed the front door open against his arm, and placed her body in the gap. Castle was a little surprised at her determination, surprised for a second, but then he scowled again.

"Beckett, what the hell? I said I was busy. Can you please leave?" Even in his agitated state, he couldn't and wouldn't physically hurt her, so he waited for her to back off, as she had done before. But this time, Kate was having none of it.

"I heard you, you know." She started.

"You heard me ask you to leave? Then why aren't you leaving?" Castle was shocked at his own cold tone of voice, internally wincing at asking Beckett to leave, but he couldn't be this close to her, not until he had some more time to get over her.

"No, I heard you talking to Yolanda last night. Telling her you had suicidal thoughts."

Castle's eyes flicked up to hers so quickly, and a momentary panic overtook his features, before he exerted iron control again and almost sneered.

"What on earth are you talking about Beckett? I didn't speak to anyone called Yolanda last night. I don't even know anyone called Yolanda. You must be delusional. Now please, I really have things to do." He pushed on the door, just gently, hoping she would take the hint. He refused to look at her face, but she could still see the edges of panic in his eyes.

"Please Castle, we need to talk about this, because you are wrong, but I don't want to have this conversation in your hallway." Kate had finally found her courage, and made her stand, here in front of the man she loved.

Castle just stared at her, finally meeting her eyes, and then he sighed, his shoulders drooping, as he stood back and let her in. She walked to the lounge, waiting to sit until he did, but Castle walked straight past her and into his study, taking a seat behind his desk, putting the bulk of it between them.

Now that she had her chance to talk, her words seemed to have dried up. She had to say something, and very soon, because Castle was fidgeting and looking like he regretted letting her in. While she was still getting her words in order, he obviously lost patience.

"Well, you wanted to talk. Fine time you picked to be determined and pushy." The last part was almost mumbled, and if it weren't for the seriousness of the situation, she would have smiled at his almost pout.

"I've been seeing a therapist since I came back from the cabin." This was news to Castle, because he looked at her with surprise, but she put her hand out, asking for time.

"Castle, I have a lot to say, but I don't have your way with words. Please let me tell this my way."

Castle looked at his watch, obviously considering if asking her to come back another time was viable, but then he shrugged again. If they were going to revisit her time since running away after her shooting, they may as well get it over with, then he could truly make a break with her and the precinct, and try to move on.

"I had to see one before I was allowed back to work, but then I kept going back to him, so I could work through all the issues that the shooting brought up. Early on it was PTSD, which I am sure you noticed, but later it was about my dealing with all the other things that happened that day."

The therapist's name is Dr. Carter Burke. His wife runs a phone counselling service, and he thought it would be good for me to listen in to some calls, to understand that everyone has issues, and it's OK to ask for help, it's not a weakness. You know I can be stubborn, and ridiculously independent." She heard him snort at that, so she knew he was listening, even though he was looking at his hands.

"So I was sitting with Yolanda when your call came in last night, listening to Alex talking about the woman he loved, who had lied to him. I wasn't sure it was you at first, because I couldn't fathom you having suicidal thoughts, but the more I listened the more I realised it was your voice. And I was frozen in place, not knowing what or how to respond, because this is a situation I had never imagined." Kate was about to continue, when Castle finally lifted his head.

"Well, thanks Beckett, although not sure how many patient confidentiality breaches that entails. But you can see I am fine, and I am not suicidal, nor am I considering something stupid, so you can go now. I still have a chapter to finish and a date to prepare for." He stood up, as if to usher her towards the door.

"No, Castle please, I am not finished." Kate was pleading, but now that she had started, she had to finish what she had come to say, because she knew there would never be another chance.

"What more is there to say? I can ask that you don't leak the information to Page Six, more for my family than myself. I would hope you can honour that request."

"There is lots more for me to say. Please, Castle, let me finish. I would never divulge the content of that conversation to anyone, I am only telling you now because I want you to understand why I am here." She looked at him, waiting for his agreement before continuing. After a few moments of silence, he nodded, although he didn't look enthusiastic for her continued presence.

"I heard you in the cemetery, last year, when you told me you loved me. I could feel my life slipping away, and the last thing I saw was your blue eyes pleading with me to stay. I was prepared to die, but then I remember waking to never ending pain and confusion, and the first time I was even partially aware of where I was, Josh was next to me, and I remembered that I had a boyfriend, who wasn't you, could never be you. I broke it off with him before I left the hospital, but you came so close to being shot, that I was afraid my crusade would claim your life as well as mine, and your family would never forgive me, so I tried to give you up, to let you go and hope you would find someone better, more deserving to love." For a moment Kate thought Castle would speak, but he just shook his head and became still again, waiting for her to continue.

"That is why I didn't tell you that I heard you, that I remembered you telling me you loved me, because I didn't deserve your love then, and I still don't deserve it now, but you were right when you said the heart wants what the heart wants. I have gotten used to having you by my side, having my back, bringing me coffee, and when you suddenly pulled away last week, I was lost. Now I know, from hearing your call, that you heard me admit my lie to that suspect, and that you think that means I don't love you, that I don't want your love. But the opposite is true, Castle, because I love you so much, it terrifies me. I can't be half hearted with you, can't have one foot out the door. And if I mess this – us – up, I would never forgive myself, so it was easier to stay friends, than risk losing our friendship for no guarantee of anymore, until maybe I could get to a place where I could return your love."

When Castle heard Kate declare her love for him, he snapped his head up, shock clearly written on his features. What the hell? That didn't make any sense, didn't fit any narrative he could come up with. It was an overwhelming amount of information, bombarding his already overwrought brain. He needed her to leave, so he could analyse it all, work out what to do. He stood, and walked to the study door, opening it for her.

"OK, Beckett, you have said your piece. Now I really have other things to do, so I would appreciate it if you could leave." He said nothing else, but turned away as she stood and preceded her to the front door, which he opened and stood to the side, allowing her a clear path to exit.

She stopped at the door, turned to look at Castle one last time, and then made one last plea.

"Castle, I ... You waited three months for me to recover, so I will do the same, until you are ready to talk to me again, but please don't let this be the last time we speak to each other. I cannot see my life without you, and I will do whatever it takes to make you believe that I love you." With that, she bowed her head and turned, walking to the elevator, waiting for the slam of the loft door that would indicate him shutting her out of his life, but it never came, and as she turned to step into the elevator, she could still see him in profile at the door, but neither of them said anything. The ding of the elevator door closing was loud in the silence.

 _TBC_


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters; they belong to the genius of AWM._

 **Overheard**

 **Chapter 7**

Rick stood with the front door open for a long time after the elevator departed. His mind was reeling from all the information Kate shared with him. In a short space of time, for the second time in a week, everything he thought he knew was flipped on its head. She loved him? But she lied? She didn't think she deserved him, and wanted him to find someone better to love? What a convoluted mess. He was still staring into space when his mother arrived onto the floor.

Martha had seen Kate departing, and silently thanked the bumbling cabby who took so long in giving her change for not having met up with the detective in the building foyer. She liked Katherine, but right now she was angry at how hurt her son was, and disappointed that the woman couldn't have let her son down gently if she really didn't want a relationship with him. Maybe in a couple of weeks she could greet her politely on the street, but right now it was best if she stayed away from the woman.

As Martha walked to the door of the loft, she saw her son frozen in place, and lost in his own thoughts. She touched his arm gently, bringing him back to the present, and then guided him inside and to the couch. Once she hung up her coat, she joined her son and debated internally if she should mention Katherine's presence, then decided it was best to get things out in the open.

"I saw Katherine leaving the building as I arrived. Did you see her?" She asked her son.

"Yes, she was here." Rick responded, although still seeming distracted. Martha knew there was more to come, so she sat quietly – something not easy for anyone in the Rogers-Castle family – and placed a gentle hand on his arm.

"She said she loves me." Rick spoke after a few moments, taking his mother totally by surprise.

"Really? Well! That is great news." Martha's immediate enthusiasm was lost on her son, so she moved to draw him out.

"So why do you still look like someone kicked your puppy? Shouldn't you be celebrating, having what you have wanted for a long time finally in your reach?"

Rick was silent for a while, debating on sharing this further detail with his mother. He recognised that having shared the first part of this situation with her, he needed to give her all the information if she was to give him good advice.

"Because I don't know what to believe anymore. I asked her repeatedly over the last year if she remembered the shooting, and she consistently denied it. Then, almost a year later, she admits to a suspect that she remembers every second of her shooting. A suspect, a petty thief under interrogation! And then, when I try to distance myself from her, force myself to get over her, she turns up and tells me she loves me, but didn't think she deserved me, and didn't want to lose our 'friendship' when she wasn't ready for more.

"She says she missed me this last week, missed me bringing her coffee, being by her side. Maybe all she misses is the plucky sidekick, her coffee delivery guy, and realising that I know about her lie, decided to tell me what she thinks I want to hear."

Rick exhausted himself with all those words, and slumped down against the couch.

"Do you really think Katherine is that shallow, that callous, Richard?" Martha asked. The detective was a lot of things, but she could never see her intentionally lying to her son about her feelings. What little Richard had shared of their conversation gave Martha a whole new view on the events of Kate's shooting and the aftermath.

Rick had not yet responded to her latest question, and so Martha decided to take charge of the conversation.

"OK, Richard, how about you tell me exactly what Katherine said to you today."

XXXXXXXX

After Rick had recited his conversation with Kate, Martha was quiet for a long time. Rick was also reviewing the conversation in his head, alternatively cursing and blessing his almost perfect recall. He deliberately didn't mention the phone call with Yolanda, however, just saying Kate had missed him and wanted to see if something was wrong.

Finally Martha patted his arm, and then having gotten his attention she shared her advice.

"Richard, I am sure you know Katherine better than I do, but I don't believe she would say anything just to get you back, to make you feel better, if she didn't really feel those things. I have seen the way she looks at you, especially when you are not looking. Do you remember the day in the bank, and the dinner afterwards? Those were not the actions of a 'friend'. I could swear that just before I asked for her to cut my restraints, she was about to kiss you.

"And how about when she came over to see my one-woman show? She was offering you comfort and I could see she was reluctant to leave afterwards. No, Richard, I think she is in love with you, and possibly she has only just admitted that to herself, when she thought she had lost you. Finally you can have what you have wanted for the last 4 years. You just need to decide if it's what you still want, and if you can get over the hurt of her lie. One thing to remember, though, is that you have been lying to her as well, not telling her about your investigation into her mother's murder and your conversations with that Mr. Smith."

"That's not a lie, Mother!" Rick defended quickly, although he knew it was just semantics.

"Well, an omission then, but you have been keeping important information from her, just as she did. I'm not saying they are equal, because they are not, but you are not blameless in this. And by continuing to dance around each other, and talking only in subtext, rather than coming out and asking the girl directly about her memories, or even asking her for a date, you are also partly to blame for the stalling this year. Now that she has confessed her lie, will you be telling her about yours?"

Rick was silent, considering yet another aspect of this convoluted situation. Perhaps that would be best, if he told her about Mr. Smith. She would probably be angry at him, and more than likely end their partnership, like she did the last time he interfered with her mother's case. Then they could both move on. He nodded to himself, thanked his mother, and headed out the door to Kate's apartment.

When Kate heard the knock on her door, she was at first confused and then ecstatic that Castle had come over, and so soon after their last conversation. Perhaps he didn't actually have a date, and they could continue working towards a relationship. When she opened the door, however, his facial expression wasn't encouraging, and she began to wonder if he had only come to say goodbye in person. Before she could ask him what was going on, he walked past her into the lounge, then turned around and said-

"I've got something to tell you too. It's about your mother."

 _TBC_


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: See below_

 _Disclaimer: I borrowed some dialog from canon, so if you recognise it, it's definitely not mine._

 **CHAPTER 8**

The slam of her apartment door reverberated through the whole floor, but Rick was already in the stairwell, too worked up wait for the elevator. It had gone exactly as he thought it would, but that didn't fill him with the satisfaction he was expecting. Instead, it made him more melancholy. As he walked home, he reviewed the events in his head, vainly trying to figure out a way he could have changed the outcome.

 _-begin flashback-_

" _I've got something to tell you too. It's about your mother."_

 _Kate stumbled back from him after his declaration, falling onto one of her dining chairs. He didn't give her any more time, launching into his explanation._

" _Just before Montgomery was killed, he sent a package to someone he trusted. It contained information damaging to the person behind your mother's murder. Montgomery was trying to protect you, but the package didn't arrive until after you had been shot. Montgomery's friend struck a deal with them. If they left you alone, that package and the information inside would never see the light of day. But they made one condition. You had to back off. And that's the reason you're still alive, Kate. Because you stopped."_

 _Kate had recovered enough by now for her investigative instincts to kick in. "How do you know this?"_

 _Rick continued "In order for the deal to work, someone had to make sure you weren't pursuing it."_

 _Kate was trying to understand what he was saying. Finally she asked "Are you a part of this?"_

" _Montgomery's friend called me, knowing I was at the precinct. For some strange reason everyone seems to think I could convince you to back off. I was just trying to keep you safe."_

" _By lying to me about the most important thing in my life?" Kate was now furious, all thoughts of reclaiming her relationship with Castle blown out of her mind._

 _Rick took a deep breath before replying. "That lie was to protect you, whereas you lied to protect yourself, and disappeared without a word, expecting me to come at your beck and call when you were ready."_

" _Castle, you lied to me for over a year! You know how important this case is to me! You better tell me who this 'friend' is, how do I reach him?"_

" _He's … a voice on the phone. He's a shadow in a parking garage. I can't get in touch with him; he only calls me when you are getting close to something that could put you at risk. "_

 _Kate was in full detective mode. "Right, well, we will do a search on your phone records; see if we can work something that way. You met with him, so we can check street cam footage, see if we can identify him from those. Maybe Evelyn knows him? But no, we don't want to involve her if we can help it, that family has suffered enough." Kate was up out of the chair and pacing now, planning out the next steps in the investigation, until she was reminded of his presence when Castle tried to interject._

" _Kate-"_

" _I cannot believe you did this, when I trusted you! You've wormed your way into my precinct, into my investigation, and just when I think we could be more, I discover you have betrayed me! I think you had better leave."_

 _Rick looked at her for a minute, because even though this was the outcome he was expecting, it hurt to end things like this._

" _Yeah, you're right, Beckett. Goodbye."_

 _\- End flashback –_

By the time Rick made it home, he had made a decision. He needed to get out of New York, at least for a while, to banish all memories of the last 4 years and hopefully get over Kate Beckett. He only stayed long enough to throw a few things into an overnight bag, pen a note for his mother and daughter, and then he took the Ferrari keys and slammed the loft door just as hard as Beckett had, mentally closing the lid on his 'Kate' box, and throwing away the key.

 _TBC_

 _A/N: apologies for this longer than expected delay in an update. Thanks to all my readers for your patience and encouragement._

 _It seems it must be troll season again, as quite a few of my fellow writers have been the victim of vicious personal comments by anonymous 'guests'. I am happy to accept and publish reviews that are constructive and relevant to my writing or the storyline. Anything else will be deleted._

 _Until next time, M_


	9. Chapter 9

_Disclaimer: No, I still don't own them, just like to throw them into angsty situations sometimes :-p  
_

 **CHAPTER 9**

Kate stood in the centre of her apartment, still staring at the closed door that she had slammed on Castle, after she told him to leave. She was also reliving the conversation, and mentally flaying herself for again letting her temper and obsession get the better of her. He had given her an opportunity to show that he was important to her, that she meant it when she said she loved him, and instead she had dived down the rabbit hole, and thrown him out of her apartment. 24 hours ago, she was desperate to find him and make sure he was OK, and when she finally did get to speak to him, she messed up so badly she had probably lost him altogether. She collapsed against the door, letting her tears flow freely.

Kate didn't know how long she had been sitting on the floor, but her joints were cramped and she felt drained. She got up, had a hot shower, denying herself the comfort of a bath, and crawled into bed. The sound of the door slamming still reverberated through her head, and sleep was a long time coming.

The next morning, after some fortifying coffee in the cold light of day, Kate also realised the reason why Rick had come over to tell her about his 'lie'. He knew exactly how she would react, and when she threw him out, she not only confirmed to him that her mother's case was the most important thing to her, but he also made sure there would be no more secrets between them, so they could both move on. But she couldn't move on, she needed him in her life, and only by losing him did she recognise that need. He had come back to her many times, when she had pushed him out, so it was her turn to fight for him, show him she really meant what she said, and continue to prove it until Rick believed her.

With new determination, she flagged a cab and headed to Broome Street, determined to speak to Castle again and beg his forgiveness. On the way over, her spirits lifted for a moment when a text arrived, only to be crushed when she realised it was just Lanie confirming their drinks were still on that evening. She was in no mood for drinks of any kind, and she knew exactly what Lanie would say about the whole convoluted mess her life was right now, so she declined, feigning illness. Right now she only had one priority, and that was the man who lived on the top floor of the building the cab delivered her to.

She had a momentary panic when she walked into the lobby, because it wasn't Eduardo on the desk, but the door man obviously remembered her because he just waved her through. When she got to his door, she gathered all her courage and knocked confidently on the door. She could hear murmuring but couldn't make out words, before footsteps approached the door, and she could already tell it wasn't Castle, so she wasn't too disappointed when it was Martha who stood in the door, having only opened it enough to put her body in the way.

"Hi Martha. I was hoping to speak to … Rick?" Kate stumbled over his name, she was so used to calling him Castle.

"I'm sorry, Katherine, but Richard's not home, and I am also about to head out, and so I can't invite you in. Perhaps another time?" Martha asked, already pulling back into the loft and slowly closing the door. Martha was too well bred to close the door in her face, but Kate could see the older woman was tempted, and when she recalled Castle saying on the phone that his mother knew what was going on, and encouraged him to move on, she didn't blame her.

"OK, thanks Martha. Could you tell him I was here, and I would really love to speak to him?" Kate deliberately stressed the word love, and she could see Martha's eyebrow raise slightly, but other than a nod there was no response, and the door was closed in front of her. She had no choice but to leave, heading down the stairs and out the door before the door man could see how quickly she had been turned away.

When she was half a block away, she turned back towards his building, leaned against the doorway behind her and stared at the windows, hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but of course the interior of the loft was dark, and the anti-glare foil on the windows only reflected the storm-laden clouds hanging low above her head. Maybe Martha had been heading out, and the loft was empty, but she couldn't shake the feeling that he was home, and just didn't want to see her.

Over the next couple of days she experienced multiple repeats of this rejection, sometimes with no response at all to her continued knocking. His phone went straight to voicemail, and soon that was also full. She was in despair, but she pulled her Beckett armour around her and returned to work, spending her free moments wracking her brain for a way to get through to Castle.

Her boys had her back, but even they were curious about where Castle was, and finally they bit the bullet and asked Kate, Espo jokingly asking her what she had done to finally get him to leave, only to see her face crumple before she ran from the break room to the ladies restrooms. Kevin slapped his partner hard enough to bruise, and by the time Kate returned, her makeup fixed and her poker face firmly in place, the topic was buried deep. Kevin risked her wrath by sending a text to Castle, but his brief reply did nothing to clear up the situation, and soon they were all too busy with new cases to wonder about the missing writer.

 _Bro, where are you? She is hurting._

 _So am I_

TBC

 _A/N: Another short-ish chapter to move the story along. I prefer writing separate chapters for different POV. Please note, Headhunters didn't happen in this timeline._


	10. Chapter 10

_Disclaimer: I still don't own Castle._

 **CHAPTER 10**

To say that Kate Beckett withdrew into herself after her short leave was an understatement. She was never an outgoing person at the precinct, she got her work done, but didn't socialise with anyone. The only exception had been her team, Ryan and Esposito, and recently Castle, going for drinks at the Old Haunt after closing a case. Now, however, she didn't even do that, declining any and all invitations her boys offered her for lunch, or dinner, or even free beer. She turned up ridiculously early before her shift, focus solely on her own work and directing her team's efforts until the night shift turned up, if not all night when there was an active case, and then left. She would disappear at odd times of the day, for 15-20 minutes, or she would hide in the stairway while she made short calls on her mobile, always coming back from either with her shoulders drooping just a little bit more, before she drew herself up and behind the Beckett poker face and continued on.

Captain Gates was very worried about her star detective, because she could sense the imminent collapse, not just by watching Beckett move around the precinct like a robot, but also seeing how her team braced themselves each time before they spoke to her, and seemed to be walking on eggshells all the time. She knew that anything she said would not be well received, they had never bonded well enough to discuss personal issues, and she couldn't really call her on her professional behaviour because there was nothing wrong with that. It was just that the professional work ethic was all Kate Beckett seemed to have these days. Obviously the loss of her writer partner had hit hard, but Gates thought there must be something else going on with that – she remembered how the writer would look at Beckett, and how observant he was with all her needs. She had also noticed that Beckett looked at the writer the same way, mostly when he wasn't looking, and remembered that when she first joined the precinct it took a fair bit of convincing by other staff until she believed that the two weren't an item. Ridiculous what love could do to a person. She smiled slightly to think of her husband's response to this unconventional partnership, and then decided she could at least talk to him about how she could maybe resolve or lessen the coming disaster.

Beckett was totally oblivious to her Captain's observation and thoughts, once again having returned from the loft after a deflection from Martha, who couldn't say when her son would likely be available to receive Kate. She had started to believe that he really wasn't there, that he had gone on a book tour or something, because she couldn't imagine him allowing her to be turned away so often if he was there, even when he was most angry at her he still didn't want to hurt her, and everyone could see just how upset she was. She didn't play on that to his family, though, because she fully understood the current situation was all her fault, and any resulting heartache was well deserved. Just as she was about to head out for the day, actually leaving close to the end of shift for a change, she had a call from the front desk that she had a visitor, a Martha Rogers wanted to have a few words with her. She grabbed her bag and caught the lift down with trepidation.

"Hello Katherine" Martha greeted without preamble as soon as Kate stepped off the lift.

"I figured it was close to your finishing time, maybe we could have a coffee somewhere?" Martha continued, when it looked like Kate wasn't able to respond to the older woman's change in demeanour from the last time she saw her, in the doorway of the loft.

"Sure" Kate replied, not able to manage much else as she lead the way around the corner to the nearest café, one that was still open at this time of day. Once they had ordered, and Martha insisted on paying, saying it was her invitation, they sat at a booth in the back, not speaking until their drinks had been delivered, and they were left alone again.

"Katherine, I am here on my own, because I can see both you and my son are hurting, and I can't stand it anymore. Alexis is still very angry with you, so I couldn't say anything at the loft today, but this separation has gone on long enough. I think you and Richard need to sit down and talk out your differences, as novel as that may sound."

Kate was nodding, and then looked up when Martha mentioned talking, because it was true – her and Castle were not very good at using their words, much more adept at subtext and innuendo.

"I would love to sit and talk to him, Martha, but he won't see me, and to be honest, I don't even know where he is."

"That's why I am here" Martha responded, and passed a slip of paper across the table. Kate took it and opened the fold, her eyebrow raising when she registered the address.

"He's gone to the Hamptons? Is he …. Did he? I mean, is.." Kate couldn't finish the question, but Martha knew exactly what she was asking.

"He is on his own, Katherine, he was very clear about that. He said he wanted solitude to 'lick his wounds', being all dramatic. You must know there hasn't really been anyone else for him for over a year?"

Kate blushed, despite her best efforts. "Me either. I had hoped, but, with recent events, I wasn't sure." Then she gathered her courage to ask the question that had been most on her mind.

"Do you really think I should go see him? Maybe he is better off with me out of his life, so he can find someone more worthy, not so broken."

"Oh Katherine" Martha exclaimed, coming around the table to take the younger woman in her arms.

"I can see just how much you love my son, to even consider setting him free. He loves you with the same intensity, something I haven't seen from him at all, except perhaps with Kyra, but he was young and idealistic then. I have only ever seen him happy in the last four years when he is with you. The romantic in me hopes you two can work things out and be together, but at the very least you need to really talk and clear the air, so you can go back to being at least friends. Enough wallowing in despair for the both of you. Sadly, I know my son well enough to know he won't come back voluntarily for months, so you will need to go to him. Bring him back, Katherine."

With that, the grand dame rose and made her exit stage left, as regal as any queen. Kate sat staring at the paper for a little while, then also headed home, to think some more. She had been given a great opportunity to set things right, and she needed to make sure she didn't blow it this time.

Over the next two days, she turned up for work on her shifts, and luckily there were no new cases requiring overtime. She no longer visited the loft, but still made some calls to Castle's mobile, hoping he may have cleaned up his voicemail, so she could at least ask to meet. Unfortunately, the phone was turned off with no option to leave a message. When she wasn't at work, she was busy drafting a letter to Castle, having decided that the best way to let him know her feelings was by using words, but she wanted to make sure they were the right ones, hence her floor was covered in scraps of paper, previous attempts discarded in frustration. Finally, after a third sleepless night, she decided the letter was as good as it was going to get, her skills lying elsewhere, and she hoped fervently it would be enough to at least get Castle to talk to her again, as the real healing would only begin then.

 _TBC_


	11. Chapter 11

_Disclaimer: I definitely don't own Castle. They would still be on the air if I did._

 _A/N: Thank you so much for your patience with this story. My muse deserted me, and the words coming out were rubbish. I have managed to overcome my writers block now, and the end of this story is written. There will be one more chapter and an epilogue._

 **CHAPTER 11**

*Kate's letter to Rick*

 _Dear Rick,_

 _That greeting seems trite, especially as I am more used to calling you Castle, but no better option has come to mind in all the discarded drafts for this letter, and you are very dear to me, much more so than I have ever shown you. You are the master of words, and you may well laugh at me trying to subvert your tool to get my point across. Unfortunately I have driven you away again, in both word and deed, so the only way I can hope to prove my love for you is with pen and ink._

 _First, I am so very sorry for losing my temper when you told me about Mr Smith, and banishing you from my apartment. You know me best of anyone, and you know that my mother's case is my personal rabbit hole, the one that puts blood in my eye and blinds me to all else. I believe you took advantage of that weakness, to make me push you away just as you had pushed me away, not believing me when I first told you that I loved you. Not that I blame you for that disbelief, because I have done my best to keep you at arm's length over the last 4 years. I could talk about being scared, about trying to protect you, or my heart, but all those are just poor excuses for what I put you through, and you kept coming back._

 _So now it's my turn. I will keep coming back, and showing up, and showing you that I do love you, and you are the most important person in the world to me, more important than a murder case. My mother is gone, and nothing I do will bring her back. But she would want me to live my life, to be as happy as I can be, and the only way I can do that is to be with you. I don't expect you to just forget the last few weeks, or to forgive me for the terrible way I have treated you over a much longer period of time, when I can see clearly now that everything you have done was to protect me, in the only way I would let you. All I ask is that you give me another chance, to prove to you the truth in my words, and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You know where to find me when you are ready._

 _All my love_

 _Kate_

Kate was torn about posting the letter, now that she had worked so hard on it, or hand delivering it to him, but she figured he would not want to see her, and it may cause a larger rift. She had dithered once before about going to see him, after she had overheard his conversation with Yolanda, and looking back now she could admit she should have rushed straight over then, made sure he was OK rather than waiting 12 hours until she spoke to the counsellor again That time, she had been paralysed with fear, but also in disbelief that the most cheerful, happy person she knew, who made her days better, could contemplate such a drastic act over something she did – or rather, didn't do. Now, knowing that he wasn't in immediate danger, she didn't want to inflame the situation by forcing him to confront her, but she would give him the words he deserved and the time to absorb them, and act on them as he saw fit. And if he chose to ignore them, and stay out of her life for good, then that was his choice, and she would learn to live with that knowledge somehow. She pushed the envelope into the mail slot, and let out a deep sigh, releasing all her worry because the situation was now out of her hands.

* * *

It had been 3 days since she had posted the letter, and Kate was sure Rick must have received it by now. She would give it a full week, but she wasn't sure if he would even read it, or just throw it away. She was lying in bed, 20 minutes before her alarm was due to go off, contemplating getting up, the restless bouts of sleep she had been experiencing had drained her energy completely, but there was no point staying in bed if she was just going to toss and turn, so she got up and put her running clothes on, hoping some rigorous exercise would help clear her brain, as nothing else seemed to do. She returned to her apartment after an hour, dripping in sweat but no happier, and put a coffee pot on while she took a scalding hot shower. Two strong black cups later, she was dressed in her Beckett armour and ready to walk out the door.

As usual, she was first into the precinct by an hour or more, greeting the few members of the night shift she passed with a nod. She dumped her bag in the bottom drawer, and made her way to the break room for more coffee, precinct sludge because she couldn't bear to touch Castle's machine, fearful she may break down if it hissed at her. She returned to her desk and pulled the large pile of cold case files in front of her, grateful that Gates had directed them to review the list again, while there was no active cases. She suspected that Gates had taken their team out of rotation as well, because the last week they had not been called out more than twice, while the other teams were constantly on cases. She was of two minds about this, because she could always lose herself in her work, the one thing she knew she could do well, but she had also been forced to admit, to herself if no one else, that the lack of proper rest had her brain slowly losing its sharpness, and pretty soon her detective skills would suffer. She just had no idea how to fix that.

She was still buried deep in case files when Ryan, and then Esposito came in, greeted them normally – or the new normal since Castle left – and continued on. She had a list of leads she wanted the boys to follow up, and lab procedures to request, so she passed those on and kept working. Her partners watched her with concern, but carefully, when they knew she wasn't looking, and jumped to her requests as if their prompt attention could bring her out of her funk.

The boys were out at the morgue, getting some information from Lanie, and Kate was about to get up and help herself to some more sludge, when a takeaway cup appeared on her desk, and a large body seated itself in Castle's chair. She smelt the coffee first, and hope flared in her chest for a second, only to be instantly squashed – it was unlikely she would ever get coffee delivery again. Then she registered the body in the chair, and lifted her eyes in indignation to yell at whoever thought they could sit there, when she was confronted by eyes of the deepest ocean blue.

Kate couldn't breathe, it was almost like her wishes had made Castle appear, but that couldn't be right, could it? Finally, after staring into his eyes for what felt like an age, she managed to squeeze one word out her suddenly dry throat.

"Castle?"

For his part, Rick could see the circles under her eyes, the sag of her skin over her face and shoulder bones, and finally accepted that she was hurting as much as he was. He worked hard to put on his best smile, and replied, almost as if he hadn't been away for weeks, but only overnight.

"Good morning, Detective. I see I am just in time with your coffee delivery this morning."

He gently pushed the cup towards her, and let his fingers linger as she grasped the cup with both her hands, feeling the shiver Kate was trying very hard to hide as they touched.

"Uh, thanks, Castle." Kate could have smacked herself in the head for such an inane response, but she had to wonder if he would explain what he was doing here – not that she wanted to go into it in the middle of the precinct.

"Any time." Castle responded, and their momentary meeting of eyes acknowledged that it wasn't their word, but close. Before she could do more than nod, he continued.

"Do you think you have time for lunch today? Away from the precinct?" It was spoken in a normal tone of voice, but his eyes were pleading, and Kate was relieved he obviously wanted to talk, but recognised the lack of privacy in present circumstances. She nodded, and was about to say something about being glad to see him, when they were interrupted by two voices of surprise.

"Hey Castle!"

"Good to see you, bro!"

The boys were surprised to see Castle there, and Ryan was just busting to ask a hundred questions, but Espo caught Kate's eye and the subtle shake of her head, so nudged his partner and after quick handshakes and back pats, they returned to their desks, only glancing occasionally over at the couple at Kate's desk, who looked to all the world like nothing had changed in the last weeks. That was unless you looked closely, and they were of course trained to observe. Both Beckett and Castle were sitting rigidly, their eyes flicking to each other and away, and the tension between them crackling from even this far away.

Very soon, Ryan couldn't stand it anymore, and being past 11am, he wandered over to Beckett's desk to find out about her lunch plans. She shook her head at his offer, but not before he caught the glance she threw at Castle. Understanding dawned in Ryan's mind, and he returned to his partner's desk, quietly sharing a few words with him, after which Espo nodded and headed for the elevator. He returned 15 minutes later, with sandwiches for the boys, and called over to Beckett and Castle, trying to act casual.

"Hey Beckett, why don't you head out to lunch now? Those files will still be there in an hour, and we can call you if anything drops."

Kate didn't even hesitate, nodded her thanks and grabbed her bag. Castle was right behind her, with his own nod of gratitude for the boys before getting into the elevator. They walked in silence to Remy's, taking a booth in the back and ordering their usuals, the food having been delivered before they actually looked at each other again. Castle figured it was up to him to start the conversation, as he had asked for this lunch meeting, so he took a deep breath and began.

"I got your letter, Kate."

 _TBC_


	12. Chapter 12

_Disclaimer: I definitely don't own Castle. They would still be on the air if I did._

 _A/N: Thank you so much for your continued patience and your wonderful words of encouragement for the previous chapter. I hope you enjoy this final chapter of the tale._

 **CHAPTER 12**

"I got your letter, Kate."

Kate just nodded, figuring that was why he had turned up. In the time since he had asked for this lunch, she had run a few scenarios through her head for why he was here. Maybe he was coming to say goodbye to her in person, to tell her to leave him alone, never contact him again. He didn't say 'Always' when she thanked him for the coffee, and his tone of voice all morning was cool and detached, so she had resigned herself to a negative outcome. She was broken out of her musings when he reached out and took her hand across the table, obviously to get her attention.

"Thank you for writing it. That must have been hard for you."

"Oh, God, Castle, you don't have to thank me for anything, I just wasn't sure you would even read it."

"Of course I read it. It took me a few hours, but I am glad you persevered, and gave me the space to absorb the content myself."

Kate nodded, and waited for more, but when there was none forthcoming, she dared to ask the question that had been on her mind all morning.

"What now?"

Castle nodded to acknowledge the question, still holding onto her hand, and squeezing it gently. When he looked at her again, she could see all the pain in his eyes, and it brought tears to hers again.

"I am still mad, Kate. You could have told me the truth, and I would have waited. But to lie to me for almost a year, and to find out the way I did, that hurt. I felt like you didn't trust me, you didn't care enough about me to let me down gently."

"No, No, Castle, that's-"Rick raised his hand to stop, and she swallowed the rest of her words.

"I know now that is not what you were doing, but I had nothing else to go on at the time. We need to work on our communication skills if we are going to be partners again."

"Is…is that what you want?" Kate asked, her heart in her throat, for this was the moment when her dreams came true or failed forever.

"I got the impression from your letter that is what you wanted. Have you changed your mind?" Rick asked, and now his insecurity was on full display.

"I want that, God yes, I want it all with you, I just don't know if you can forgive me." Kate let the tears brimming in her eyes fall, and Castle wanted to reach out and wipe them away, but they were not there yet. They had to start this thing right, and for that, there had to be full disclosure.

"It will take time, I think, to forgive you, but I want to. My feelings for you haven't changed, Kate. I just need you to give me the time to trust you again, and we need to be open and honest with each other, no more secrets, no more lies. Can you do that?"

Kate was nodding before he was finished, but Castle didn't seem to be totally convinced, so she backed up her actions with words.

"I can give you whatever time you need, Rick, and I will try to be open and up front with you, I really will, but I need you to keep me accountable as well. You can read me better than anyone ever has, you're the only one who knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I need you to call me out if I am retreating. Can you help me with that?"

"Always." They were both smiling now, and Kate reached over with her other hand to clutch his with both of hers, and finally he reached forward to catch a tear, still falling unnoticed down her face. She leant her cheek into his palm, and his hand lingered there until they were interrupted by the waitress come to take their plates.

Conscious of the time, and having to return to work soon, Kate asked Castle how they should proceed from here.

"Well, I will escort you back to the precinct and keep you entertained during an afternoon of obviously boring paperwork, then how about I take you out on a proper first date?"

"Sounds perfect!"

 _The end._

 _Epilogue to follow._


	13. Epilogue

_Disclaimer: I definitely don't own Castle. They would still be on the air if I did._

 _A/N: I obviously played with the timeline here a little, so just go with it_

 **CHAPTER 13 - EPILOGUE**

Kate rose to awareness slowly, her sleep having been a deep, rejuvenating one. Her first conscious thought was of the broad chest at her back, and the muscled arm around her waist holding her close. Then she heard and felt the soft regular breathing and occasional soft snore just behind her left ear, ruffling the few strands of hair that had escaped from her overnight braid.

No matter how many times they had woken up together in the six months since they had officially become a couple, it still gave her a little thrill to be waking up in Richard Castle's bed. Her Rick. And she was definitely his Kate. No one could ever compete for her affections, and she was in this with both feet, for the long haul. They were not on call this weekend, so she snuggled back into the cove of his arms, and let out a contented little sigh.

Rick must have been on the edge of sleep, as that small movement and sound woke him. He tightened his arm slightly, and nuzzled into her hair until he could whisper in her ear.

"Good morning, beautiful." His voice was still rough with sleep, and that sexy rasp had her insides fluttering as she rolled over to face him and greet him with a kiss.

"I don't think I will ever get used to this, waking up with you in my arms," Rick mused after they exchanged proper greetings, and she chuckled. At his raised eyebrow, she explained that was exactly what she was thinking earlier that morning.

"Getting sappy on me, my love?"

Another thing she didn't think she would ever get used to, him calling her 'love' or telling her he loved her so casually. It had taken him 2 months to say it again after their lunch at Remy's, and that was how she knew she had been forgiven for hurting him with her lie. She had spent every one of those 60 days, and the 180 since, telling Rick how she felt about him, no longer afraid of sharing her words with him, and showing him with her actions as well.

"No, I just think you are rubbing off on me, all this time we are spending together." The words may have been slightly accusatory, but the wide grin as she said them gave away her true feelings on the matter. Nevertheless, Rick was obviously in a playful mood, and continued their banter.

"Well, if it's such a hardship spending time with me, you could always give it up?"

"Not on your life, Mr. Castle. You are stuck with me."

"Heartbroken. Truly. However will I survive?" Rick joked, and received a poke in the ribs for that, but his retaliation was too slow as she hopped out of bed and headed towards his study.

"Hey, where are you going?" Rick asked, suddenly serious and worried he had overstepped the mark.

"To the kitchen. I need coffee, and I am sure you won't turn it down either. Relax, I'll be back soon." She threw on one of his shirts – he loved her in his clothes – and moved to the kitchen. It was Rick's turn for a contented little sigh, and he nestled into her pillow, surrounded by her scent.

True to her words, Kate was back in a few minutes, two cups of coffee in her hands. She placed both on his bedside table then sat down at his hips, leaning over for a kiss before she moved to her side of the bed. That was the plan, but Rick grabbed her around the waist and pulled her on top of him, both of them kissing and chuckling until she reminded him the coffee would get cold. He let her up then, and when she was settled next to him he passed the coffee over, both enjoying the companionship while they partook in their first caffeine hit of the day. After the cups were empty, Rick broke the comfortable silence.

"Have I ever told you that I love it when you bring me coffee?"

"No, as a matter of fact, you haven't. But then again, you don't give me much of a chance to do it, you are always bringing me coffee." She saw the smirk starting on his face, so she added, "Not that I am complaining of course!"

"I love to bring you a cup of coffee in the mornings; for a long time it was the only way I could say 'I love you', and I always knew it would bring a smile to your face, no matter what was going on at the precinct, or in your life."

Kate sensed the change in his mood, and she burrowed into his side.

"You are the only one who can do that, and while I love my coffee, a big part of that was all about you, even when I wouldn't admit it to myself. I am so glad you talked the Mayor into shadowing me, Rick. You have truly changed my life."

"For the better, I hope?" Rick asked, his gaze on her intent, as he knelt up on his side of the bed, putting the coffee cups down, and reaching for Kate's hand on top of the covers.

"Of course for the better!" Kate insisted, shaking her head at Rick for asking what she considered a silly question.

"Good. Then, would you consider letting me bring you coffee for the rest of your life?"

Kate was taken aback. On the one hand, the question had been asked in his normal tone of voice, but his eyes were still intent, and now he was pulling a small velvet box out of his bedside drawer.

"Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you do me the great honour of becoming my wife?" Rick asked, on his knees in front of her, one hand holding hers, the other flipping open the box to reveal the most gorgeous white gold and diamond ring she had ever seen. She looked up into his eyes, at a loss for words, tears – happy ones – streaming down her face. She nodded, her forehead colliding with Rick's as he burst forward to kiss her. They both laughed at that, before Rick placed the ring on her left hand.

"I had wanted to make the proposal special, but I just couldn't wait another second. I hope you don't mind." Rick asked, in between their kisses. She could not stop kissing him, her heart beating so fast it was threatening to jump out of her chest, and she could feel the same in Rick's pulse, where her left hand was placed over his heart while her right wound around his neck and pulled him impossibly closer.

"Rick, it was perfect. This is perfect." She whispered, still overwhelmed with emotion.

Their kisses became deeper, more passionate, and soon his shirt returned to the floor, while they celebrated this wonderful step in their partnership. It was a long time before they made it out of the bedroom, to call their parents and Alexis with the good news.

* * *

 _A/N2: and finally we are at the end of this tale. It was a joy to write, when it wasn't blocking me, and a joy to share with you all. I am continually humbled by your comments in reviews, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with me._

 _Up next, I have a one shot prompt from Lou, which helped me overcome said writers block, and then I have 'New York State of Mind' to write, the follow up to 'California Dreams'._

 _Until next time_

 _M_


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